April 1, 2010 (Comical News Network) -- Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) introduced legislation today to remove July 4 from the nation's list of National Holidays. In its place, she has proposed commemmorating United Nations Day, October 24. In a statement released contemporaneously with submission of her bill, Mrs. Pelosi stated "This is something I have been considering for some time now. The day exalts a document which is based upon a premise of there being a God. It has all sorts of talk about government depending upon the consent of the governed. And that is precisely the kind of language I was speaking about the other day; the type which just incites people into violence. Many people fail to remember that over 4,000 colonists lost their lives as a direct result of this awful piece of paper. It is certainly my hope that we can move away from this misguided philosophy to a more appropriate 'World View.'"
Responding to questioning from a hand-selected group of reporters (there were no representatives from Fox News or the Breitbart family of networks), the Speaker acknowledged there may be some initial resistance. "There are always those swastika wearing phonies who resist any kind of progress we try to make." To help counter it, she stated that she is actively recruiting the Congressional Black Caucus for a co-sponsor. "It is so much easier when we can just brand our opponents as racists." A member of Rep. Charles Rangel's (D-NY) staff, who spoke on the condition of anonimity, confirmed that the Congressman was considering it. "With the way she's helped him keep the chairmanship (Rangel is Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee) and killing all that ethics stuff, he owes her big time. And honestly, it's not like he has much to lose at this point."
The announcement has met with some strong support. The Natural Resource Defense hailed it as "visionary". "No one really understands why they have it anymore anyway. And given the day of July 4, most people waste it by having barbecues or going to the beach. The amount of damage done to the environment far outweighs the minimal historical significance of the celebration." A spokesman for the AFL-CIO said "As long as we still get a paid day off, what do we care?"
The White House apparently was not made aware of the proposal however. When the matter was raised by Fox News White House correspondent Major Garrett, Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said "Major, there you go again making stuff up. I can't believe you'd try something like this, though. I mean no one would be THAT stupid." A denial and clarification is expected shortly.
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